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Climate Change – Covered by Warranty?

CC: This is the Terra Firma Customer Care line. How may I help you today?

HM: Hi, this is Hugh Manity, and I’m calling about a warranty issue on the climate. When can someone be out to fix it?

CC: Just a moment please sir, while I call up your account… Mr. Manity, it appears that you’ve contacted us on this issue in the past and been informed that the damage is outside your warranty coverage. Is this correct?

HM: That’s correct, but I called in a tech of my own, and he said the damage isn’t my fault and should be covered by warranty. I want you to fix it.

CC: I am very sorry sir, but our tech found that the change in your climate is in part due to your own actions, and therefore not covered by warranty.

HM: That can’t be right. My guy said that the stuff I’ve done is too little to account for the changes and that they must be natural. The changes made to the atmosphere by me are too small compared to what volcanoes and other natural sources put out on their own.

CC: I’m sure you’d like to believe that sir, but that’s just not how the system works. Your planet has a balance that it can deal with and it doesn’t take as much as you’d think to throw it off. Our tech also noticed a few other issues we think you should be aware of before they cause you further problems.

HM: Like what?

CC: I see in the notes on your account that we’ve previously explained to you about your climate change being in large part due to your carbon dioxide emissions. Has the effect of those emissions on your oceans been explained to you yet?

HM: What about my oceans? They’re huge. They can take it.

CC: Not really, sir. Some of that carbon dioxide is dissolving into your oceans and making them more acidic. Frankly sir, this may be a bigger deal than the original issue you called about today.

HM: You have got to be kidding me. Is that covered under warranty?

CC: I’m afraid it doesn’t, sir.

HM: Dammit! What am I supposed to do about all that? I can’t afford to make a lot of changes to my lifestyle, and I certainly can’t afford to pay for repairs on my own! Can’t you make an exception? I’ve been a really good customer.

CC: Our hands are tied, sir. If you want your climate and oceans repaired, you’re the one who has to handle it.

HM: But you’re talking billions of dollars and massive changes to my lifestyle! It’s ridiculous! Surely you don’t expect…

CC: It’s not about my expectations, sir. It’s about yours. I can say that the sooner you get started, the better.